It’s not fair. It’s not fair that my autistic kid doesn’t understand the difference between squirting the adults with water guns and dumping a bucket of water on his uncle’s lap and therefore phone. But even more than that, it’s not fair that when it sprays back on him he gets totally overwhelmed and overreacts. He ends up enraged, embarrassed, and confused about what went wrong. That’s not fair.
I want to hold him and comfort him and explain to him what went wrong. I want it to make sense and for him to be brave enough to try to squirt his uncle again. I want him to have fun and have it not be complicated by autism. I see his struggles and it is so hard for me. I just love him so much. He’s so amazing. It’s not fair.
I get sad sometimes. I get sad when I see him sad or angry. Boy, was he angry. He told his uncle, “I don’t want you to come to my sixth birthday, or my seventh. You can come to my eighth, but I will frown at you every time I see you!” Adorable, hilarious, and furious. It makes my heart hurt. I hate it when he loses control and feels like the world is wrong.
It’s not fair.
It’s also not fair that he can’t keep his hands off of me when we are next to each other. He loves me so much. It’s so sweet, and so full of love and heart. It is too much, however, when I am trying to eat, or feed Penny. It’s too much, when he crawls under my skirt in the church foyer. He can hardly handle me touching him, and my hugs are so gentle, but he is all over me.
It feels like a weight, like a heavy burden that he carries. Being autistic, being overwhelmed, being stressed, being strung out with adrenaline all of the day. It is heavy on my heart. I feel so guilty, for all the times I didn’t know he was autistic and I reacted poorly or too severely to his meltdowns. I wish I had known sooner, that I could have understood more sooner. I know I would have handled things differently. I just did my best, but it really wasn’t good enough.
Okay, pity party over. I will be stronger. I will be kinder. I will be smarter. I will be what he needs. I will figure this out.