It is half way through the summer. I feel like I have hit a patch of burn out. I don’t have the enthusiasm I did at the beginning of the summer and September and school still seem a long way off. I have found this summer that I have not had time to read, energy to research, or rest. I have been on the job, as it is, 24/7, with break time being from about 8:00pm until I fall over and sleep sometime between ten and eleven. That feels like a really small break time, and although it is break time, it’s also the only time I have to spend with my husband, or to accomplish anything I want to do.
Having three kids home all day means that I can get the laundry in the washer, and sometimes in the dryer, but I can’t fold it. I can grocery shop or prepare dinner, but I can’t usually do both. I can clear the counters or the table, but only if the TV is on, and it lasts for about five minutes before the empty spaces are filled again with markers or Lego.
Penny naps well. But Aiden and Jake play loudly so sometimes they wake her up. About once a week they hit a real stride where they can play for an hour or more together, without me. The rest of the days, I have to be a part of their activities, either directly playing with them, or refereeing. The noise in the house is numbing.
I took both of the boys to a friend’s house today and left them there. That is how I can write. It is so quiet here. It was quiet there too. Whenever he is somewhere else, or someone else is with us at our house, he is quieter. I don’t know if he is thinking more, or shy, or less comfortable, or what exactly it is. But it leaves me feeling like no one else really knows how much he talks or how constant the noise is. I have been texting conversations with my husband, and it is better than nothing, but feels frustrating to be able to make eye contact and not hear the words each other says.
I feel like I’ve lost my momentum, lost my groove. Life is harder again and I am tired again. I want to be patient, not just give up. They both look similar, but have such a different heart. I want to be able to pour my heart into my kids and my family, not just survive the days.
I wish I was writing more, but I have not had the energy, time, or clear enough mind to come up with much insightful. I do hope that the kids and my husband are getting rest, enjoying the time together and the endlessness of free summer days. I so hope that they are able to feel like this is a wonderful season. That would make me believe I was accomplishing something, just by allowing their happiness.